My hatred!

I create an environment in which you have no will. I seduce you into a false pretense of conformity and susceptibility. You are mine. I believe this before it even begins. I do not seduce you for your own benefit. I seduce you for my own selfish narcissistic needs. I don’t want you sexually yet i pursue you as such. I don’t want you as a friend yet I pursue you as such. I make everything about you and what you deserve. I encourage you to be you without actually letting you be you. I navigate your emotions like a child playing with a toy. I contort your ideology to become my own. I subdue you into a false sense of caring, of comfort belief that i am here and i understand and have answers to all your suffering. Yet I impose upon you my own creed. My own suffering and torment and make it yours without you even knowing.I torture you with ambiguity and no sense of care, I let you grow only to destroy you within my own realm. I build you up within my walls only to smash you down as harshly and brutally as i can without even showing the aggression of which resides within me. My demons…my self….I ruin you for my own gain.

Yet,

I don’t want to…

I do these things in the beginning without thought, without control, without consciousness. I am not myself, I reside within a hell that i cannot escape. I don’t look at you as a person. You are a tool. An experiment, A failed opportunity at happiness, an excuse to alleviate my own internal torment. Yet you do not know this, because I…do not know this.

I corrupt you, your beauty, your innocence and turn it in to deception of mind and body and make it all about me without you even being aware of what i’m doing to you. I allow you to believe that it is somehow something you are doing wrong and something that you cannot control but i have the guidance and resolve to show you when in fact it is me that has caused this conscious pain.

4 thoughts on “My hatred!

  1. I wrote this for an acquaintance who seems to be going through similar emotions on the other side of the story. I’d love to hear your thoughts.
    Blessed I stumbled upon your writing.

    _

    I tell myself that I don’t miss you.
    I know now that the words coming from your mouth like rose petals
    Were just lies that thorns pierced me with.
    You made me bleed, an ongoing trickle.
    You once said:
    “Thorns are just a way to remind us that even the most beautiful things leave scars.”
    You were right.
    I carry the scars that you left on the inside,
    They almost feel like gaping wounds not wanting to heal for the sake of keeping you.

    I guess that’s what happens when an empath falls in love with a narcissist.

    My dear Tortured Artist,
    You led me to believe that I was more,
    Only to tell me that I wasn’t.
    You played me like an instrument,
    Plucked my strings one by one,
    Pushed my buttons until they broke.

    I tried to clean myself up, fix myself,
    But you stained me with a sense of self-loathing,
    Engrained into my brain that I am nothing but fuckable.

    I’ve always had a weak spot for poets,
    Harmonious constellations of words slipping from your rolling R’s
    The way that your glance wandered over me,
    How you touched me.
    Hypnotized me, loved me,
    Majestically manipulated my mind.
    But never believed me when I told you that my feelings were real,
    Still don’t believe that yours wasn’t the only heart broken,
    Hate me for trying to piece myself back together.

    Your smoldering discontent is not consent for stabbing at my happiness.
    I needed you, craved your presence,
    But you didn’t want me, you wanted my body.
    So limping along the path of getting over you
    I found someone old in something new.

    And even though my poet writes me love, not confessions of deceit
    I still miss us, and what we used to be.

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    • Hello, thanks for dropping by and writing such an emotive depiction of ‘the other side’. In response, I hope to make clear my thoughts.

      Subjectively, we believe the words that people say because they make us feel good. We tend to be sucked in by a false notion of security and ambiguity toward our own mind. You mentioned wounds that do not wish to heal. However, I would argue that the lessons from the experience have not yet been learned and thus still preclude the almost impossible task of healing.

      Words are not fact, emotions are not confined. The manipulation of another’s mind, comes from fantasy produced by their own creation. Words give cause and purpose to peoples pain and anguish. They find comfort in believing the words but they do not learn from their own experience, they cling on to that support and develop a sense of attachment. Creating a set of beliefs that dilute the noise inside their minds. Unfortunately, it is all too easy to see a person whom is lost within themselves and their own confines.

      Having read and re read your words…I already feel that you have shown a sense of negation, by which I mean, you have pointed out what this individual has done to you, but not you to them, or you to you. Allowing yourself to find comfort in another is no bad thing. However, manipulation in context of love, comes from your own self doubt and self worth. People often believe that they do not convey these things and go on to continuously show that they are strong, independent and capable. This is not to dismiss that premise, as I am sure they believe it. However, as easily as they believe it – that can be broken. Aristotle once said ‘a wise man knows that he knows nothing’. Individuals whom are so ready to fall in love without experience and knowledge of themselves and their future tend to get lost in the hypnotic state of articulated conformity. It has been said, that our greatest learning experiences come from our hardest sufferings…Because who truly learns when they are having a good time…

      Your words, sound familiar to me, from the mouth of babes who believe they know the world and the way it works. I have heard these words before in language both body and verbal. There is something I would like you to consider.

      The notion of manipulation comes from what? a person’s selfish desire to control, to have, to destroy..maybe. However, not all manipulation and not all people follow these simplistic notions of manipulation. Have you ever considered that the person you say has done this to your heart was in fact not trying to delude you into a false sense of future and love but in fact it was your interpretation of the words and actions that lead you to feel this way. Did you consider that the words may have been truth to them, or that on some level they feel manipulated by you? Unfortunately, emotions are not static, we just hold on to them until we can no more. Maybe that person was trying to awaken you to the realities of modern society but they too found some comfort in you. This happens, however, they may not express that in the same way as you do and even if they did…We are human, not all the same (to a point). Words have different attachments for different people, until you are comfortable with who you are and I mean truly, not just learning…then you will always make these inferences based on a preconceived notion of what it should be like.

      Lastly, I wanted to touch on the fact you mention ‘finding something old in something new’. It is completely unfair to attach old feelings onto someone new, even for an instant. It is selfish, degrading, uncaring, and manipulative. Each situation should be taken in context and if you’re not ready to move beyond that then you should not imprint that onto anyone else. Maybe you should reflect on what happened and why, not pointing fingers and blaming that guy. Everything is subjective when we deal with humanity and emotion…communication, interpretation and understanding seem to have failed here.

      I do hope some of this helps, it can be a little confusing I guess, simply because there is a million things I could say however, I am trying not to make any judgements about the context of that situation. Though I am happy to discuss with you further if requested.
      Take care
      A

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  2. Thank you for your prompt answer! As mentioned I wrote this poem for/about someone else and their story. I did take a very subjective approach on the matter as I heard only half of it and only began to write after having read your work.
    Both this friends story and your words moved me and as your bio encourages I had a go at comparing two sides of an argument. I say two and not both as I am very aware that something complex has plenty more facades.
    This story was not only about the hate, heartbreak, deceit and lies. As a matter of fact most of it was told in a very cherishing tone, the bond that those two shared must have been quite wonderful and possibly still is. The good parts of this somewhat destructive relationship still seemed to be very much at the center and I found that quite admirable. I did indeed also notice the hurt in several implications, changes of facial-expression and pauses while the story was being told to me and made a first attempt in putting emotions that aren’t mine into words.

    I didn’t mean to twist the knife in a clearly open wound, seems our perceptions are quite different from each other, as are the situations we wrote about. Knowing that it is not my place to know I’d still like to say that I desire no further explanation to the background of your words, poetry is so much more cryptic and alluring in its openness to interpretation.

    It was very interesting to hear the point of view from the ‘other side’, bear in mind I am not siding with either, simply trying to pursue as many perspectives as possible in order to form a more un-biased opinion.
    I wish you all the best for your future and hope that you don’t spend more time chasing demons than needed.

    Cheers!

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  3. Leaving out the context I have grown interested as to what lies behind some of your thoughts and this has sparked a few questions that I’d be interested and thankful in you elaborating further.

    Your interpretation about unhealed wounds not closing due to lessons unlearned is very plausible and I couldn’t have articulated it better.

    However, are you saying that the words that often cloud ones minds are always ones own words or those coming from close friends, family, lovers. In turn are you saying that ‘clinging’ on to what your s.o. tells you is not righteous of having a slot in your mind that mildly reduces your own thoughts?

    In addition, when you state that allowing yourself to find comfort in another is not a bad thing I feel that you put that on the same level as manipulation when speaking of love, which to me seems slightly paradox. What is finding comfort in another: Not a bad thing or manipulation coming from self doubt and self worth?

    Also, who decides whether you are or are not ready to fall in love because you don’t understand yourself enough, what even is enough? I’m sure there are no set guidelines but I’d be very interested as to where you would put them. From my understanding, to you only someone who has been through the wringer and has dealt with the hardship that life may or may not bring is capable of loving ‘correctly’ and fully as they then no longer lack understanding of themselves.

    Much of what you have said seems like you have life ‘figured out’. Contrary to the babes who merely think that they understand how the world works you do, apparently you, a judging by your picture twenty, thirty-something year old man, has more knowledge than many of these so-called ‘babes’. What makes you think that you understand the world more than any other person? We’re all just guessing, nobody has all of the answers, not even you and maybe one day someone will be able to answer a question that you can’t and that shouldn’t be enough to throw you off which seems would be the case.

    To move further down in your response, are you implying that the actions in this context were not delusive behavior but just a full misinterpretation of a whole ‘relationship’? Does this mean that whatever feelings one may have thought to be there were sheer blindness and the relationship was never built up on shared values of love, loyalty and honesty? Are you suggesting that due to the fact that feelings are not static a relationship like the one mentioned in my writing, as in yours, is on the verge of letting go of whatever there might still be and that these feelings mustn’t persist?

    On a different note, I completely understand that looking for old feelings in new people and bestowing those expectations upon them is not fair, that line was easily interpreted differently as I had hoped but I’m glad you noticed and would like to clear it up. That line actually relates to the context directly, having found a person who was always there “someone old” in a different kind relationship, going from platonic to romantic, “something new.”

    As I have already stated I took into account one perspective of one side of the story, having admitted that I feel “pointing fingers and blaming the guy” doesn’t apply here, do you?

    Apologies for not addressing your response in depth yesterday, I only got around to reading between the lines today and these are just a few things that caught my attention.

    Hope to hear from you soon, cheers!

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