Losing to addiction

I feel the darkness lurking inside.
Creeping around in the shadows,
Waiting for the night,
Waiting for the night.

Eyes burning, too afraid to sleep,
I can hear its voice calling out my name.

Until your darkest day, I will wait,
Coming from the night, into the light.
Taking over your soul,
Taking over your soul.

Another night has past,
But I am losing the fight.

Here I come, into the light,
You no longer have the fight.
Say good night,
Good night.

Lost in my own darkness, fighting the demons that wait. Expressed as a depiction of anger repression consuming the individual. However, can be used in consideration of any addiction.

Dreamer

I used to dream, so long ago.
I remember, they asked me to stop dreaming.
My peers, my teachers, my family.

I was always in a world of my own, finding hope and happiness.
The possibilities were endless, I could see, smell and taste the future.
Premonitions of things yet to come, but nobody listened.

I often saw the events and knew where they lead,
But everyone thought it was just in my head.
The time came and again I was right,
Nobody likes a smart ass.

Why does the future lie in my head?
The visions of lives and futures ahead,
Troubles and strife’s, life and death.

The day is now, and time is here,
when I no longer have the fear.
Gone are the days of dreams and premonitions.

Here is a shell, with no resident in sight.
What is the point of a useless life.
Existence forced to be obsolete,
does that explain why I feel so incomplete?

Standing at the window, watching the world go by. I started day dreaming and thinking about why, why it had been so long since I recalled a dream or dreamt actively. This poem, conveys a part of the past in which I was becoming something more than just a boy, through study and meditation I was becoming enlightened, yet, everyone around me was so stagnant they could not see and that scared them because a boy could never hope to understand the adult world, or so it used to be!

Crazy

People often call me crazy,
But crazy is such a loose term.
Do I have problems?
Yes, yes, I do… but so do you!
Just because we are different,
does not mean we are not the same.

Your world revolves around you,
My world revolves around everything.
You don’t understand,
I don’t want it.
It is just there,
in my head.
Floating around until I’m dead,
dead on my knees begging for release.

I reach for the knife,
remembering that night,
The night I lost my mind,
consumed by the rage.
My head is a mess,
but it won’t be if I’m dead.

Tonight, is not mine,
I have lost this fight.
I surrender to your will,
consume me with your fire.
We will awake together tomorrow.

On those nights where it is all just a bit to much and we recede into the darkest corners of our social selves and find the demons to play with. I wanted to convey a struggle during a night cycle through the lens of depression and the battle that sufferers face every single day and night, again out of sight.

Memories of us.

Some days, I stare at the clouds and wonder where you are.
I wonder whether you are happy, whether you think of me.
Our time was short, our paths split in the woods.

You left, and I stayed, but I always prayed.
That one day our paths would cross again,
Just like it did back then.

Would you even recognise me, or I you?
The memory of us still haunts me,
A ghost in the past often said we wouldn’t last
But I always thought it was because of the cast.
Infused by the voices of others,
Of our love and beauty intertwined,
I honestly thought we were bound for all of time.

But…

We have both grown, travelled in different directions.
The world grows smaller, more connections.
One day maybe,
we will find a link,
Both stop and think, of that time and place.
Where we loved, where we were us,
Fighting against the difference,
Of culture and the human existence.
It would be nice to see your face, even if not your embrace.
To see you smile, hear your voice for a while,
And recall those times that you were mine.

Everyone needs time to reflect, to learn. If we do not take it then how do we avoid making the same mistakes. That is in part what this poem is about, remembering the people we have loved, lost, hurt, been hurt by and all of the influences from external factors which contort our own views and emotions.

Serrated.

It cuts deep, that serrated edge bleeds droplets.
Dripping at my feet, curdling, coming to life.
It is the only way out.

Taking shape, Its face stares back at mine.
Red, demonic, laughing, what is this?
What am I doing? I am not in control!

It laughs, I have you now, forever bound,
Blood is my name, cleansing will not bring you fame.
Fade to the darkness and submit to me.

I will consume you in life and in death you will never escape,
Eternal pain will be yours, fated as you are!
Your blood is my life, your death is my rebirth.

Extinguish the flame, I dare you.
I will consume someone new.
Your escape will set me free.

Bleed just a little more,
Drip drip on the floor,
Consuming nothing more.

At the brink of the abyss, I realise something new.
I cannot begin to burden you,
I fight to keep you free and protect you from the demon in me.

Keep your distance, keep yourself.
Protecting you from my demonic self.
I will not bow out, I will not give it control.

Its voice rages on, urging me to let go.
But, I…can never let you know,
About that demon that consumes our mortal soul.

Drip drip, I am aware of it now,
At the void I see what I am meant to be.
Not a martyr but a warrior of life.

The wisdom to see beyond,
To keep the balance, the rhythm of life.
Locking away these demons one day at a time.

Suicidal thoughts come in many forms, the processes vary but ultimately the battle is the same. Often, having been on the edge I do wonder what it would be like. To be free, to let go, the eternal darkness, the void. However, I realise that in giving up this fight, it wins, they win, bad beats good, darkness over light. Maybe, maybe I was meant for this, to fight, to hurt so that you don’t have too. To see what is to come and prepare you for the struggle. Who knows, truly, depression is fraught with all sort of beliefs, biblical, mythical, scientific…but there is some comfort in believing that I suffer so that you don’t have too.

S.I

I was standing before you, In awe.
Time goes by, your beauty only grows in my eye.
On the rare I see you, I struggle for words.

Like a teenage boy I behave,
I lie about why I am there.
I am to scared to show I care.
I want to tell you, but…
I’m afraid you won’t care,
I don’t think you would feel the same,
Am I just out of the game,
The next time I will tell you I promise.

Oh no, that time came and went.
Even as I was speaking I knew I was lying to you.
I was there for you, I came back for you.

But, I look at you and see a star,
Of beauty and knowledge by far you are,
Flowing with warmth and kindness, I see,
You are far far far too good for me,
Your adolescence not gone far
Your beauty and kindness are who you are,
But I am of old, not in charm or wisdom or warmth.

My time of beauty is gone, my time of youth long past.
I wish I had met you instead of my last.

For though she shone, of a beauty so bright,
Her dark heart, tore my world apart.
She knew no bound, my soul she found.
In crimson night, she stripped it clean,
Bleeding it dry like a sun lit stream.
I don’t mean to compare her to you,
But in my heart, I want to be true.

You are like a diamond of beauty and light
I am like a roach in the dead dead of night.
You are out of my league by comparison far,
And I would not want tarnish what you are!
Please understand I like you a lot,
But you are what I am not,
Alas, you must never know.

Your beauty compels my desiring mood,
To come back home out of the dark,
To find a warmth and comfort in your heart.

I wrote this after seeing someone that I have had a crush on for a while but thought she was out of my league. In the time that past from then till now, things have been bad. However, I bumped into her again and I just felt good. Then I thought about the differences good and bad and weighed them up, from that I decided to write this. If she is the Ying then the other is Yang (My ex destroyed who I am and they are of similar descent yet this one has all the good and little of the bad.).
I wrote this while high. That is important to mention not as a justification but rather an admission that in my fear to speak from the heart, being high lets me connect with more expressive emotions.

For S.I

In public.

Walking around in a crowded space,
So lonely and out of place.
You don’t see me.

Drifting between the lines, floating amidst the noise.
One could argue, I am poised.
Keeping a straight face, I feel the well filling.
No point in letting it over spilling.

I turn my back and stare at the heavens, praying for it all to end.
I only wish you could comprehend.
The dichotomy of our lives, so far yet so near,
Why do I live in fear?

The well recedes, I turn and stare
But no one noticed or even cared.
Alone like before among the masses
I silently wait until this life passes.

I must walk away from it all right now
Before I start screaming aloud,
What happened to the days I stood tall and proud.
They are gone but I am not
Just a little food, for thought!

I spend a lot of time people watching and wondering about the lives everyone leads, so varied and yet the same. We can all laugh and smile yet we hide the shame and pain. I wonder why we are afraid to let go of all the hurt we all surely know. Look next time you’re out and consider this:

“In our happiest moments there will always be a shadow lurking and waiting for us to slip or fall. Counter to that, in our darkest moments we can learn some of life’s most valuable lessons. Although both are very true, please just remember, there are those that have it worse than you! Yet stand tall they do, refusing to give up and fall they fight for life, love, and freedom. Please remember never to take for granted a simple smile in a crowded space because no matter the place, nobody truly knows what lies behind the face. Help each other and be kind.

The moment.

Your eyes glistened in the moonlight as it broke dust.
We stared at each other both searching the emptiness.
I swept your hair from your cheek as you gently sighed and rested your face,
Trapped in a timeless place, our breath in sync.
You’re in my arms, resting your face,
Bundled against my chest, listening to the thump thump thump of my heart.
No words flow, on the breath, life passes in silence, we are complete.
In a moment everything is calm, in another chaos erupts,
The dawn beckons as the dust settles and the moon escapes our gaze.

A moment of stillness and purity can last an eternity. I wrote this as a memoir. Sometimes, I miss that simplicity of life and the beauty it can provide if only we truly looked.